Yesterday I witnessed my boy, Aussie, get put down. It was the most upsetting event to watch. To watch a dog who was the most happy dog I’ve ever met, who brought joy to everyone around him, look so defeated was heartbreaking. When my parents brought me to the people who’d previous litter contained my other little boy, Alfie, I knew instantly that when I saw Aussie as that little couple weeks old puppy, he was the one. Since the day we brought that little fluff ball of craziness home, my world became even more joyful now that I had my Aussie and Alfie. Aussie was taking two the vets on early Sunday morning after having two seizures and then wouldn’t stop twitching and showing symptoms the seizures were still happening. I was so scared. We left him with the vets who I prayed and prayed they would help him. Later that Sunday we got calls saying he wasn’t responding to the medication and every time he woke from sedation he was still having seizures. On Monday morning my dad got a call saying he was still acting the same and that they’d try one more time. We got the final call that later day. I was sat in the office doing some revision when I heard the phone ring and my heart stopped. I had prayed to God that Aussie would live, it was all I wanted, I couldn’t be without him. The news wasn’t good, and I heard my dad say “can we come say goodbye”. At the moment, as soon as I heard that I broke completely. I couldn’t stop crying and crying and crying, all the way to the vets. We walked in the dog ward and there he was, such a joyous and happy dog with so much energy looking so in pain and not himself. I broke down again, falling to his side and I stroked him and told him how much I loved him. I didn’t want to say goodbye because he’d never leave my heart, I only said goodnight and that I loved him so much. I sat by him with my mum as my dad left the room because he broke down and couldn’t bear to watch, but I didn’t want to leave him. I watched the liquid go into his drip and I saw his breathing start to relax. As the vet was checking his heart rate, I saw him take his last breath and my heart shattered into a million pieces. When I got home I didn’t know what to do, I went straight to my bedroom and just cried and cried and when my dad came him I told him how much I wanted him back and needed him. We looked through old photos of him and Alfie playing together. In the evening I began texting my mum how guilty I felt.
I don’t want to let go of him because i always want him by my side. I just miss him so much, I want him back so much. I need to see his joyous little smile and let him bring happiness to me. I need him back so bad. I feel so bad because I feel like he doesn’t know how much I loved him and cared for him. I’m scared he felt that I thought he was a nosence, which he’d never would have been in million years. I wish I went on more walks with him when my dad asked instead of just sitting at my desk revising. I wish I was even more affectionate so he knew how much he was loved my me. I’m so scared he doesn’t know I love him how much I do, I just want him to come back home and sit with my on the sofa like he’d do when we all watched a movie together. Every time I think about him I break down. It all happened so quickly, one day he was fine the next the whole world came crumbling down. Everywhere I go now, I carry a photo of Alfie and Aussie playing together, and every night I am going to talk to him. I don’t know what to do, someone please help me. I just need him back, that’s all I want, I just want him back. He was too young, he was only 5 and was going to turn 6 in October. He had a whole life ahead of him. I want him back so much. I wish I did so much more for him. I need my crazy little dog back in my life, I don’t know what to do without him, I feel so lost, I miss his lying next to my bed, I miss how he’d sit on your feet every time I stood still, I miss how his lips would curl up to look like he was smiling. I wish I was more affectionate, I wish I showed him more how much I loved and still love him, I wish this was all a nightmare that I’m going to wake up from. I just need him back. He didn’t deserve any of this, he never did anything wrong.
Aussie I love you so much and I’m so so sorry